How to handle difficult conversations… I, personally, hate having to have a “conversation” (can you hear the dun, dun, dunnnn in the background?) I know this may sound ironic since my job is conversing, confronting and working on difficult stuff but it really is hard and uncomfortable. I’ve condensed what is really many blog posts worth of info into three actions that I have learned to use in approaching and handling difficult conversations. There were many times I got it wrong so these have been tested through trial and error, believe me!
First – Pick one topic of discussion and stick with only that topic. It can be so easy in the midst of having difficult conversations to veer off into other topics that are also difficult or frustrating but I’ve found this will only increase the likelihood of miscommunication, conflict and hurt. So, if you are going to talk to you roommate about paying the bills on time, don’t use this as a time to also bring up how messy she is. That’s another topic, for another time.
Second – Own your stuff! What I mean by this is, enter the conversation recognizing your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors as they are impacted by the topic at hand. For example, maybe you need to talk to your mother about a comment she made on your personal life that has bothered you since Christmas…you don’t want to come across as attacking her and what she said because she will just get defensive and miss what you’re really trying to say. So, that means you need to know exactly what it is that you’re really trying to say. You need to think it through and decide on the right words and the right tone to best communicate your message in what will be a difficult conversation.
“You had no right to say that to me and you need to apologize”, only points the finger at the other person. If any of you are like me, when someone points a finger at me my first instinct is to defend myself. I no longer hear what you are saying; I’m trying to think of something to prove you wrong. You know what I’m talking about, don’t deny it! J
Rather than say “you”, say “I”. By talking about your feelings and thoughts the other person is invited to listen to your perspective and is more likely to hear you. “I felt really hurt by the comment made at Christmas. I felt belittled in front of others and have felt myself pull away from our relationship as a result.”
Third – Choose to accept…Accept that it will be a difficult conversation, push yourself to have it anyway. If you avoid the conversation you will only allow resentments to build up which can cause greater damage in the long run.
Accept that you only have control over yourself and not the other person. You can put together a perfectly worded statement, you can keep control over your tone and body language and yet the other person may not play by same rules of communication. This can be maddening and hurtful.
Accept that at least you did your part well. What they do is not up to you! (Please don’t mistake me, I do not mean mistreatment is acceptable, only that you cannot control the other person’s behaviors) Trust me, this is not something that is easy to do, it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn and I’m still a work in progress.
There you have it, all you need to know on how to handle difficult conversations! Ok, I’m kidding there is so much more that can be said on healthy communication and handling difficult conversations well but this is a blog post and not a dissertation. However, I do believe practicing these three actions can help facilitate and ease the difficulty of having “difficult conversations.”
