We are our own worst enemy. Do you believe that? After years of studying human development, psychology, working as a therapist & doing my own personal work I’ve come to believe this as truth. We tend to save our worst, most hateful words for ourselves, not our enemies and then we wonder why we are stressed, anxious, depressed & isolated.
Think about it…whose voice do you hear in your ear when you make a mistake at work, “screwing up again”? Who is it that beats you up when you don’t like what you see in the mirror “you’ve got to lose weight & stop being lazy”? What do you say to yourself when you’re not able to live up to the impossible standards you’ve set for yourself “I really should get it together”? The words we use within our own minds, our self-talk, matters a great deal more than we give it credit. Our words have meaning.
I often point out statements my clients make that exhibit very unrealistic expectations they have for themselves. Many times their response in hearing the statement said back to them out loud is “well I didn’t mean it like that”. And I usually respond with something along the lines of “oh but you did.” Our words, our self-talk matters; it has meaning. When people say they “didn’t mean it like that” its because their rational, realistic brain recognizes the statement to be unrealistic & unfair once it’s out in the open. They are better able to contradict the belief once it’s been acknowledged.
Challenge #1 – write out your self-talk to see exactly what you’re saying about yourself, you might be shocked at what you see on the page
When our negative self-talk is left in the dark quiet recesses of our minds, when it’s kept to ourselves these thoughts can reek havoc on us. They impact how feel and what we do in response to any given situation. These thoughts can leave us feeling, helpless, hopeless, scared & ashamed which tends to lead toward isolation and unhealthy coping skills. These responses tend to reinforce our negative self-talk which begins the cycle again. It’s vicious & can be hard to stop. This is why counseling & sharing with others in a genuine way can be so powerful & healing.
Leading researcher and author Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection that we have to stand up to our negative self-talk to be able to move forward. She writes that shame can’t live when it’s shared with another person but it thrives in secrecy. Sharing your story with a trusted and safe person is a huge way to begin the work of becoming your greatest supporter rather than your worst enemy.
Challenge #2 – share your story with a safe & trusted person who will meet with you in that place of vulnerability rather than try to fix you or placate you.
If you’re unsure who you can safely share your story with, contact us, we’d love to help you.
