As a kid, I was the “fat kid” who was teased quite a bit about her weight. When people think about bullying, this is the type of thing that they often think of. However, bullying is an issue that is rampant across our society, and it is not always as clear-cut as the name calling that I experienced. Unfortunately, bullying is an issue that most of us have to deal with in some capacity, at some point in our lives. Whether it is a bully on the playground, in the workplace, or corporate bullies such as the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch who recently stated that he only wanted “popular” and “pretty” people wearing his clothes, being insulted or belittled is hurtful, and if not addressed, can be deeply harmful.
I mentioned that bullying is not always clear-cut, so let’s start by defining the issue. Bullying occurs any time someone exerts control over another person in a harmful or aggressive way. It may be that the person legitimately has authority (a supervisor, teacher, parent, or older sibling) or it may be that they want to have power, or popularity, so they take it upon themselves. In either case, abusive misuse of power is unacceptable! So, what does bullying look like?
Bullying can be physical: perhaps someone is being physically abused, beat up, spit on, tripped in the hallway, or pushed around.
More often bullying is verbal: teasing, name calling, inappropriate sexual comments, or threats. Anytime someone says or writes hurtful things about another person it can be considered bullying.
Sometimes bullying is social: excluding people, discrimination, spreading rumors, or embarrassing someone in a public setting.
Regardless of the type of abuse it is damaging. If you are the victim of bullying it is important to regain your sense of security, whether it is a current issue or something that you experienced long ago. Often people think the perpetrator only has power for as long as the encounter occurs, but the reality is, they have control for as long as it affects you emotionally. No one deserves to have that kind of power over your life! Here are a few ways to start regaining control:
1) Address it. If you can confront your bully in a safe way, then do it! Standing up for yourself is a great way to let someone know that they do not get to control you, and also to build your own self-confidence. If it cannot be done in a safe and constructive way, then it is important to report the abuse to authorities.
2) Talk to trusted family members and friends. When you hide what you have experienced you allow the experience (and perpetrator) to control you. Talking about it will help you to regain emotional strength. Often people being to believe the lies that they have been told, talking will also give your loved ones the opportunity to help dispel the myths that you may be combating about yourself.
3) Find a new hobby: try painting, music, biking, knitting, or running. Perhaps taking a kick-boxing or karate class would be good for you; these are not only great confidence boosters, but also great outlets for pent-up anger! What you choose isn’t important; the key is to find a healthy way to rebuild self-esteem.
4) Consider talking to a professional. The long-term effects of bullying can be detrimental. Victims of bullying often struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders, and low-self esteem; they may even become bullies themselves. The sooner you are able to address your experience the sooner you will be able to find freedom. Often the experience is so painful and personal that talking with a professional in a safe and confidential environment is invaluable.
It is important to remember: bullying is never the fault of the victim, and therefore the last thing that a bully deserves is to have lasting influence in your life!
One final thought, it is not uncommon for victims of bullying to become bullies themselves. The truth is, people who bully others often do it out of a place of insecurity in their own lives. If as you’ve read this post you realize that bullying or insecurity is something you struggle with, it is important that you too seek support. You do not have to be controlled by your past, or by your own insecurities; addressing them head on is the best way to regain power over your own life!
Jennifer
