So here we are, the final installment of our blog series on creating and maintaining intimacy in your marriage. In this blog we are going to address the culmination of all of your hard work on creating intimacy with your spouse…sex. For most people, when they hear the word intimacy, sexual intimacy is what they immediately think about but as we’ve reviewed in the previous posts, intimacy is a lot more than just sex. Don’t get me wrong, good sex is a very important element to intimacy within the marriage which is why it needs to be addressed.
Before we get to the topic of sexual intimacy with your spouse, we need to look at sex and your history. We bring into any relationship our experiences, beliefs and assumptions, sex is no exception to this. Some different things that can effect our views on sex are:
- Growing up with the topic of sex being taboo in your family
- Lack of sexual education
- Feelings of shame from either sexual experiences or religious background
- History of sexual abuse
- Use of or exposure to pornography
This is by no means an exhaustive list of things that can impact our views of sex. However it’s past experiences like these that can lead to the common myths we carry into marriage regarding sex. Do you recognize any of the following myths?
- The man’s sex drive is always higher than the woman’s
- Size is the most important factor
- If sex is really “good” the woman will quickly and easily experience orgasm
- Men are all-knowing when it comes to sex
Alright, so now that we’ve addressed your sexual history and sexual myths, let’s get into some practical ways in which you can improve sexual intimacy with your spouse. Remember, that good sex is a culmination of the intimacy you’ve worked hard to create and maintain by dating one another and practicing healthy communication. Keep that in mind as we go forward.
One of our absolute favorite books on sexual intimacy in marriage is A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau. It is from this book that we have gathered the majority of the following tips on ways to “set the mood”.
- Set Sexual Goals – Like any goal setting you do, be specific, make them realistic and attainable, schedule & prioritize these goals
- Mental Mood setting – fantasize about making love to your spouse later. Women may specifically want to take some time out during the day or on the drive home to mentally prepare and ready themselves to be “in the mood”. You might also wear new sexy undies or send a suggestive text msg during the day.
- Emotional Mood setting – this is creating a stress free environment for yourself and your partner. Some examples might be, doing some breathing exercises to release stress, allowing your spouse to decompress from the day once they get home, or completing a bothersome chore for your spouse.
- Environmental Mood setting – utilize all 5 senses and don’t be afraid to get creative
- Sight – What do you see? Have some ambient lighting, candles, clean your bedroom, wear sexy lingerie
- Sound – What do you hear? Create a mood with different sounds such as your favorite booty-shaking song, sounds of the beach, Barry White 🙂
- Touch – What do you feel? Textures can be very sensual, try out different textures like satin gloves or feathers, buy new sheets, give one another a massage with lotion or warm oil
- Taste – What’s your flavor? A fresh mouth goes a long way, go ahead and have breath strips on the night stand for a morning romp and in the car on the drive home after dinner where you may have consumed onions or garlic – reliving dinner during a kiss is not so romantic!
- Smell – What’s your fragrance? Pick out favorite and erotic scents (cinnamon, vanilla, coconut), wear a specific perfume/cologne every time you plan to make love, over time your mood will begin to be triggered by the familiar smells. A shower and deodorant can go along way too, especially after yard work, in August, in Texas!
As you can see there is so much more to sexual intimacy than just the physical act. But, be encouraged as you actively pursue one another verbally, physically and emotionally it is likely that your overall intimacy will improve. There is no finish line when it comes to intimacy or having a great marriage. Both take constant work and maintainence from husband and wife but maintaining sure can be fun!
